Grumpy Fences Goes Global

The Case of the Christmas Tree and the Noble Altruism of The Beautiful Princess

2007-12-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

Winter had come to Grumpy Fences and the whole hamlet was filled with excitement as the Keepers of the Colony gathered for the annual Christmas spree at the home of Sissy, Sheriff of the Shire.
"I do not know, I do not know," said Wild Annie, peering into her chest of earrings, "which will suit me best. These Red Rum memorial rings, or these flashing santas with optional reindeer."
Nick the Woodman (whose existence all and sundry were beginning to doubt) did not answer; nor did Sissy, who was deciding which Sheriff badge would best suit her cerise blouse and was on the point of phoning everyone in the shire to seek their opinion.
In various states of dress/undress the Keepers of the Colony arrived and, as they took their places around the room, the conversation turned to the imminent arrival of Santa Claus.
"Of course," said The Married Woman, "he will come to us first. We live at the most northerly point of Grumpy Fences - in fact we bought our cottage there, for that very reason. He'll have to pass over our house before reaching the others, and if I slip into something subtle and stylish, I might detain him so long that he will never reach your houses at all."
"Nonsense!" said Jodhpur Jenny, twining tinsel round the stallion's mane, "he is coming to us first, since I am the only person here with child."
"That's what you think!" said Sissy, with a gleeful glint in her eye but then she felt a bit embarrassed and claimed she was only joking.
"I don't care where he goes first," said Wild Annie, "as long as he doesn't come to me. I don't want those reindeer doing their business on the roof when I have enough to worry about."
"I don't care either, where he goes first," said The Beautiful Princess, "as long as he comes to me last, because then he will stay longer and I am partial to men with white beards and red coats...or brown beards and green coats...or no beards and no coats...or..."
"Sorry to disappoint you," said Dubious D. "but I happen to know something about Santa and he isn't...."
Just at that moment a great crash shattered the serenity, causing Jodhpur Jenny's stallion to rear up and Wild Annie's earrings to swing to and fro like a hyperactive pendulum.
"Oh my giddy aunt!" gasped Sissy.
"What?" said her aunt but everyone ignored her.
"Look what has happened!"
Everyone looked. There, strewn across the carpet were baubles, fairy lights, tinsel and little spiky green bits, in the middle of which lay the Christmas Tree uprooted from its pot and felled to the floor.
"Who is responsible for this!" demanded Sissy. "As Sheriff of the Shire, I must set up an immediate inquiry."
It was soon established that the most likely cause of the felling, was someone's attempt to climb to the highest bough with a possible motive of stealing the pretty angel from the top. One by one the Keepers were brought before a council of their peers to see who had committed such a dastardly deed.
"It wasn't I," said The Married Lady, "I am far too sensible." The peers agreed.
"It wasn't I," said Dubious D. "I have witnesses who can attest that I was speaking at the time it happened." The peers agreed.
"It wasn't I," said Jodhpur Jenny. "It's impossible to climb a tree on horseback." Everyone agreed except for The Beautiful Princess who was considering that it might not be an impossibility after all.
"It wasn't I," said Wild Annie, "I only climb elephants, not trees." This led to a few grunts and snorts but eventually the peers agreed.
"It wasn't I," said Sissy, "I am not the sort of person to climb a tree." That brought unanimous agreement.
Suddenly all eyes were on The Beautiful Princess and she felt a little suspect (but the little suspect was very bristly so she stopped feeling him and stroked the invisible dog instead).
Dubious D. stretched out a long artistic finger and pointed to The Beautiful Princess, "She did it!"
"No...no...." The Beautiful Princess insisted - almost, but not quite, certain that she hadn't done it. "It's true that I like climbing trees and enjoy conversations with angels but...."
"Guilty as charged!" said the Sheriff, observing a small piece of tinsel sticking out from The Beautiful Princess's silver slippers, and soon great chants of "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" echoed round the room.
The poor, mistreated, much-maligned Princess was powerless to reply for though she knew that she was completely innocent, she felt it was far better to nobly take the blame so that no other poor soul should suffer.
To this day, the Keepers believe that The Beautiful Princess was guilty of the heinous crime because the noble, truly-good, altruistic, gentle and refined Beautiful Princess, in order to protect the real suspect, never revealed a truth of what had happened.
In all the furore and accusations, she alone remained calm and as she stooped to pick up the fallen angel from the top of the tree, she caught sight of flash of faded pink burrowing under the boughs...a little squeak, a big bright eye....and the unmistakable figure of Mr. Chihuahua-Head slithering off with his tail between his legs and selection of baubles and bells dangling from his collar....

The Search for Old Dan the Barman

2007-12-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

One winter evening, long ago when freedom reigned supreme and such things were permissible in public places, the Keepers of the Colony of Grumpy Fences sat in Ye Olde Inn, partaking of a shared pipe while the dulcet tones of the tapster, called, "Time, ladies and gentlemen! Can you get your glasses off now, please!"
Being an obedient sort, Wild Annie, removed her spectacles and sighed, "All is not well in Grumpy Fences. Something is amiss."
"I agree," said Sissy the Sheriff of the Shire, "could it be that the Golden Boy has long since vanished into the sunset in search of lemon meringue pie?"
"No, no," quoth Wild Annie, "he was always insignificant to us anyway."
"Perhaps, it's the disappearance of Mr. Big-Hair that troubles us so?" said Jodhpur Jenny, "The last I heard he had gone to drown his sorrows in the sewage of the River Rhone."
"Can you get your glasses off now!" called the tapster again, hastily piling the stools onto the tables and turning the lights off around them, "Haven't you got homes to go to?"
Wild Annie fingered her earrings and suddenly leaped into the air, "I have it!! I know what's wrong...someone is missing."
She replaced her spectacles and peered anxiously at the bar and, as the others followed her eyes, they cried in unison, "Whatever happened to Old Dan the Delightful, former Innkeeper of the Shire who let us sit for hours undisturbed?"
Without further ado Jodhpur Jenny (who goes without saying) set off on her swift stallion, on a quest to find him. She journeyed through the whole of Swillington, Garforth, Kippax and on to Spain, never stopping, even eating and drinking (copious amounts) on horseback. "Although I have the spelling age of a wood nymph," she told all and sundry, "I have the constitution of an Eastern European..." and on she went (and was back for opening time the next day).
The Beautiful Princess issue a decree, "He shall be found and whoever finds him shall receive a reward of 1000 guineas."
"But you do not have 1000 guineas," whispered Wild Annie, who was ever practical and not renowned for her tact.
"I have two guinea pigs...within a year there will be 1000, and whoever finds Old Dan shall have them all! Meanwhile, I shall disguise myself as a governess and seek him out in all the places he might be hiding!"
She borrowed a little Dennet gig from the Tudor Manor of Pimple Oldsam and hitched it to Jodhpur Jenny's stallion and they rode thither and yon...but all to no avail. The stallion grew weary and, though no one but Jodhpur Jenny had ever seen Bath, the invisible dog, she insisted he needed a rest, and took refuge and refreshment in a hostelry.
Just when everything seemed lost Wild Annie appeared dashing from one race course to the next. She lay down on the floor and said, "I'm too tired to get up but just carry on talking. I'm listening." But the horse (and the dog) were a bit smelly so she soon got up again.
Now, Wild Annie and Nick the Woodman, had moved to a cottage high up on the hillside above Grumpy Fences and, since coming up in the world, Wild Annie was beginning to believe that the other Keepers of the Colony were somewhat beneath her.
"I am not going to let any of you see Nick the Woodman anymore until you prove you are worthy of him," she said, and with that, picked up her racing card and left.

Time passed...and went backwards and forwards and became all mixed up as the Keepers never grew any older - well, perhaps their bodies did but their minds never matured - and every now and then, when there was nothing more interesting to observe, they revived the search for Old Dan. Wild Annie decided that since she was now a cut-above, it was time to take the search further afield.
"I will spin my magic illuminated globe," she said, "and wherever my finger lands on it, is the place whither we must fly!"
She spun it so fast it made her dizzy and she had to lie down on the floor so Sissy, Sheriff of the Shire, took charge and her finger alighted upon...Denmark.
"Denmark," said Sissy, "is a very windy country so we must go prepared."
And off they all went (except for Nick the Woodman, who was still being concealed).
What happened in Denmark is nobody's business but their own and, besides, it has little to do with Grumpy Fences. Suffice it to say there were several tragic accidents: a tragic shoelace accident, a tragic bag accident and the mysterious incident of the disappearing invisible dog...but that is another story....

"I have an idea," said The Beautiful Princess, "we need someone wise to advise us." And she sent out a decree that a Wise Woman was to be found.
Dubious D. (who has not yet come to full fruition in this story...or perhaps any story) said he knew of a wise woman but she had emigrated , so it was left to Jodhpur Jenny to recruit the services of The Married Lady whom she had known for many years and who, since she had a penchant for horses, was sure to be willing to help.
"Climb up on the back of my stallion," said Jodhpur Jenny, "and we will go adventuring together."
But as they rode on, Jodhpur Jenny tried to involved The Married Lady in her search for the invisible dog that had mysteriously gone missing in Denmark.
"I want nothing to do with that sordid affair," said The Married Lady, and promptly dismounted at the nearest hostelry.
"Well I never!" said Jodhpur Jenny (but she was lying, because she often did....or at least she used to, in better days).
"Well, it seems," said The Beautiful Princess, as she lay in the long grass trying to train a guinea pig to publish a book, "that Old Dan is gone for good."
"Good indeed!" said Dubious D. setting up his easel to draw a Chihuahua, "I never liked him anyway."